i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Randomize
