Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
