rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
