I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
