I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
