I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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