Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
