you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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