can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
