I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
