forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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