I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
