just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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