Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
