Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
