Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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