i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I just shit out all my problems.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
