We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
