i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
