Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
