mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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