I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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