guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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