So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
