It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
