my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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