I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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