Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
