Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
