i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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