The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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