So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
