The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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