dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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