I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Life is so much better after having sex.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
