very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
