Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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