If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
