Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
