he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
