if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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