What did we do last night that was yellow?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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