ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
