I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
