thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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