The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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