Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
