i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
