Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Say something about gay babies.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
