I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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